... who's always on my mind and forever in my heart ...
I know that in the end, these words are just for me, you will never read them nor will I ever say them aloud. And yet I have to address you, admitting to the guilt I am carrying for so long now, haunting me forever, I guess. I feel I do not deserve to be forgiven, while I know you probably would. I remember you that way. Forgiving. Shining from within, even in your darkest hours. But I'm no longer sure about what I thought I knew. Maybe you weren't like that at all.
There are no words to express just how sorry I am. My sense of guilt has become an essential part of me over the last 14 years, always present, never do I forget. It's right there, every single day I am aware of my betrayal. I let you down, because I thought I couldn't cope with the situation. I chose the easiest and most cowardly way out, without a chance for you to understand, disappearing from your life just as suddenly und unexpectedly as I had appeared all those years before. I didn't think of the consequences. I didn't think of how I might hurt you. When I realised, it was too late.
You know how I have always been kind of timid, but this was different - I was panic-stricken by the thought of how everything might continue. It terrified me to see your condition getting constantly worse with the MS progressing so fast. Trying to protect my own feelings, I selfishly sacrificed what we had shared. A relationship so fragile, so precious. Life put me on a test and I failed. All I could see was my own suffering, blind for your needs, fears or hopes. I had felt so mature, so grown up, when in fact I hid like a child at the first touch of fear. I felt I couldn't console you, I couldn't encourage you, I felt needless, dispensable and stupid. It didn't occur to me that for once this wasn't about me, about my needs or fears. It was about you. I should have just been there, listening for once, instead of talking. Returning some of your loyalty.
I wish I could have just left it at that when you said you weren't sure about our relationship turning into more than friendship, because part of my beauty for you was the fact that you could never lose me, having never won me in the first place. You were so determined not to get involved, trying to protect yourself from getting hurt, but I wouldn't let things rest. I had my ways in finally making you say what I wanted to hear, until - so unlike me - you ignored your fear and took the risk, opting for truth. "My fate is in your hands now...", you said. And we both know how little I cherished your honesty. I did not deserve your friendship nor love for mine wasn't worth a thing. I made you say what you never wanted to say. I made you trust in me. I made you vulnerable. I let you down. All for my ego. Something else you said, quoting Oscar Wilde: "It's better to lose the woman you love than to win her and discover how shallow she is". Well, I proved him right, didn't I? That's the thing I can't forgive myself, most of all. That I sacrificed your faith for my vanity.
I have always believed that every person we meet in our life, we meet for a certain reason. No encounter is by chance and certainly our's wasn't. I do not know whether I was meant to come into your life or you into mine, but I surely made a mess of it, no matter how you look at it. I know by now what my lesson was and I think I have learned it. I'm still paying the price. I'm just so sorry it had to happen on your expense.
I will never forget you. I will never forgive myself. Wherever you are. This is your birthday.
For J. T.
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Chan eil eòl air an t-slighe
th'aig fiarachd cham a' chridhe
's chan eil eòl air a'mhilleadh
do'n tàrr gun fhios a cheann-uidhe.
Chan eil eòlas, chan eil eòlas
air crìch dheireannaich gach tòrachd
no air seòltachs nan lùban
leis an caill i a cùrsa.
-----------------------------------------
Nobody knows the way
that crooked and warped the heart will seek
and nobody knows the doom
that unknowingly it leads to.
There's no insight, no insight
into the true outcome of all craving
nor the complicated swerves
in which it disappears.
-----------------------------------------
Niemand kennt jenen Weg
den krumm und kurvenreich das Herz sich sucht
und niemand kennt jenes Verderben,
dem es ahnungslos entgegenstrebt.
Es gibt keine Erkenntnis, keine Erkenntnis
des wahren Endes eines jeden Trachtens,
noch der komplizierten Schlangenlinien
in denen es sich verliert.
(Somhairle Mac Gill-Eain)
2 comments:
lillebroer, I came to this post by chance and want to tell you that I think I understand why you are doing this, why you chose to go public with your confession. For that's what I think it is, some kind of confession, no? I felt strangely uncomfortable, readding this very private post, almost like involuntarily spying on someebody elses secret. But then I tried to understand why you do it for you write in the opening of this post that you do not think this person will ever read. It's about finding relief, no? To shift off the burden of feeling guilty for very many years. I think I know how you feel. You come across as suffering a lot from what happened in the past. Through your words I feel such an intense pain and remorse and I want to tell you that I feel with you, going over your words again. You can not change the past but it is never too late to regret and if it comes from the heart you will be forgiven in the end. In that I believe. I don't know hat happened to your friend or if he can ever forgive you, but you have to forgive yourself. Otherwise there will be no peace for you. All the best, Sara
It seems like a long time since I wrote that blog – and at the same time it seems like only yesterday. It took me more than a decade, but looking back now, I think I do have forgiven myself. I still feel sorry, guilty even to a certain degree. But I know the past can never be changed and things always happen for a reason. I must accept my decisions of the past and I must accept where I am today and thinking that whatever I did back then, lead me to this very point, right here, right now ... what can I do but make peace with the past and forgive myself?
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