Learning to love ourselves

It's not until we learn to love ourselves that we let go of attachments and finally become able to "give back" wholeheartedly and unconditionally what we receive on so many levels. To love ourselves means to understand and fully accept ourselves, for as long as we haven't found our true center, being at peace with who we are, we constantly need to distract ourselves, eternally craving one thing or another, always taking from and depending on others, trying to get the things we want. We try to satisfy our emotional needs and if it doesn't work, we turn them into material needs. Maybe it's part of our being human, an ancient means of survival - but then it’s never enough, it can turn into a bit of a frenzy, an obsession: the more we see, the more we are given, the more we want. We become attached, addicted even, to the things we believe we cannot do without.

When our well-being, our happiness, begins to depend on the satisfaction of our wants, our lives become painful... unmanageable. As our assumed "needs" lead us into ignorance and insanity, isolating us from our true self, we no longer take proper care of ourselves... being all caught up in ego, we are unable to see our real needs as much as the needs of others. The only way we can stop this "insanity" is to gain a better understanding and acceptance of ourselves:  Learning to love ourselves.

A lifetime is not forever...

»Footfalls echo in the memory, down the passage we did not take, towards the door we never opened, into the rose garden.« (T.S. Eliot)

Life... opportunities, possibilities, moments... so many of them we fail to recognize or acknowledge in time, blind for the precious chances they might hold, the changes they could bring.
Maybe it's indifference, maybe ignorance or fear causing us to waste them. Maybe we simply don't care, maybe we think we're not ready, maybe we believe we have time, telling ourselves we'll wait for a better moment, another opportunity... unaware of the fact that this very moment, this chance for growth or change, may never come around again, disappearing like a cloud that takes shape and dissolves from one minute to the next... gone.
We cling to the old, the familiar, to the seemingly safe harbour of the known, to the tried and tested. Sometimes we're so busy living a life that has outlived itself that we do not even realize there is one we might live instead, a life more in tune with who we are at this very moment, somewhere beyond or beneath the fixed ideas we have of ourselves.
But a lifetime isn't forever. Maybe one day we'll find that the things that happened - the people and situations we allowed into our lives - weren't necessarily the things that mattered the most to us, served us the most or touched us the most. Sometimes the things that did NOT happen, the chances we missed, turn out to matter more than the actual events that took place - and yet we cannot turn back time. So depending on how long we wait until we allow ourselves that closer, more honest look, it may be too late to find out "what if...?"
Life is all about taking chances. Some work in our favour, other's don't. There's no knowing in advance how a decision will influence our lives in the long run. We'll never know until we go for it. It's the risk we have to take if we want to live life to the fullest and not end up with a bag full of potential regret one future day. If an opportunity happens to find us, we shouldn't hide from it – a better one may never come. And if it turns out to be a mistake, well... life is all about making mistakes, there's nothing wrong with that, in the long run they're all lessons learned, right?
Much better to make a mistake and know for sure than to shy away from it and die wondering...

It's my birthday...

It's my birthday.

I used to love birthdays. When I was a kid, I loved everything about them. I would look forward to May 7th with joyful anticipation, knowing my mom would make it a very special day for me, no matter what - and as a result, I would feel special as well. I wouldn't have been able to put it into words back then, it was just a feeling of basic joy - of being loved - an overall atmosphere of happiness and excitement surrounding the day. I would wake up to the sweet scent of lilac filling the room - a big bunch of pale blue lilac, every single year. There would be cream cake and candles that I was expected to blow out and make a wish. There would be a birthday present waiting to be unwrapped, of course. If it was a weekday, I'd go to school and the teacher and my class would sing me a song and give me a little present and we'd all enjoy being allowed to eat sweets in class - a rare treat back then. In the afternoon, my friends and numerous cousins - sometimes my entire crazy big family - would come over to our place, beautifully decorated by my mom while I was in school, and we'd have a big birthday party. It would be a slightly chaotic, very loud, yet immensely happy get-together, enjoying some of life's simple pleasures: playing, being goofy, eating tons of cake, laughing away, singing and dancing... childhood bliss.

Somewhere along the line that initial innocence and authenticity was lost. The whole birthday thing - the good wishes, the celebrations, the gifts - often felt fake or forced as I grew from a kid into a teenager, from a teenager into an adult. More often than not, no one would remember to give me lilac. Or cake. Or candles. Often there was no one around who would care enough to turn it into a special day for me, somewhere beyond the more material aspects, and myself I totally lacked the awareness - the gratitude or appreciation of my own "being" - to want to celebrate my birthday in any way. In fact, life often felt like nothing but pain and disappointment in those early adult years. Cynicism and frustration had partly replaced the joy and happiness that I used to feel thinking of my own birthday. Why would I look forward to the anniversary of an event that - back then - seemed like a giant mistake? I think my 30th may have been the last birthday I reluctantly agreed to celebrate - and that had nothing to do with age or wanting to ignore my getting older, I have always been fine with that - but as life had ceased to feel special, to excite me in any positive way, I simply couldn't care less. For more than a decade I would avoid being around and available at my birthday. I'd take time off work and disappear, disconnecting my phone, pretending I didn't exist.

Over the years, my perception of life in general changed quite a bit and so did my awareness of my own life. My appreciation of it deepened and I found to a new acceptance and love within myself. And while I made my peace with the past, letting go of old pain, finding back to a certain joy and inner balance, my birthdays still didn't matter to me. I'd still prefer to be by myself, in silent solitude or maybe with a friend, simply enjoying the day, regardless of it being my birthday.

Then last year, as the result of a slightly disappointing experience, I came to a rather amazing discovery... my birthday had begun to matter to me again. Ha!! I found that after all these years I was suddenly and unexpectedly looking forward to it again. It felt almost weird - a feeling of quiet yet intense inner joy. A slight excitement and enthusiasm even. After a decade of indifference and rejection, I clearly perceived my birthday as being a "special day" again. And this time it had nothing to do with anybody outside making it special for me - which no doubt is a most welcome and wonderful extra - but everything to do with my own, deeply felt awareness of it being something god-given, something special in itself. I know it doesn't really take a big party or beautifully wrapped present to turn it into an "event". The simple yet extraordinary fact that I've been given a life - that it's the one thing that separates me from death really - is the real gift these days. It feels like the most natural thing in the world to appreciate and celebrate that precious fact, to want to celebrate - alone or with others, loudly or quietly - that day I was born, brought into this sad, crazy, radiantly beautiful world, blessed with a heart, body, soul and consciousness... that's all it takes to make it special and fill me with gratitude really.

So yes, it's my birthday. And I love it. Very much so.

"When the student is ready, the teacher appears"

What an important time these past two months have been for me. Everything is change - and it's perfect that way. I know I have finally found "my" path and it brings a certain serenity and peace of mind. I have gotten so tired of the endless "spiritual quest" over the years, feeling strangely indecisive, adrift... going here and there without going anywhere at all really.

It's been a long and winding path - so many tempting scenic routes, and I explored quite a few. They were beautiful, but... something was lacking, always. Then I tried the shortcuts, hoping to make up for the time I lost (when I know there is no such thing as time "lost", ha!)... but more often than not they turned out to be detours, if not cul-de-sacs.

In a world where there is a new school, a new doctrine every day, wisdom and insight become inflationary... trying to pick my way through the spiritual surplus proved as effective as looking for a needle in a haystack. I do not have that in me anymore... the drivenness, the hunger, the need for something else, something better, one more different approach... discovering a new teacher here, discarding another one there... going back and forth, time and time again.

Now is the time to slow down, to stop and make a decision where to go, pick a path and follow it... without straying, for once. The old restlessness has disappeared, the questions do not seem quite so important anymore. I think the answers - the puzzle pieces - are all there inside me by now. One doctrine or method is probably as good (or bad) as another in helping me put them together, assisting me in my "going deeper" - what counts is that it works for me, resonates with me, clicks with me... and I think I have found just that. If there has been any doubt left, it's been completely removed this weekend.

I have made a decision - I'm willing to commit myself - exploring just one thing, one teaching, one path fully and thoroughly, instead of snitching a little from this teacher here and that teaching there, forever remaining on the surface of things. I have no clue where it's gonna take me - if it's gonna take me anywhere at all - but I have feeling it's just where I'm meant to be...

The Meaning of Anam Cara...

And once again, because I think about it a lot these days, the meaning of "Anam Cara":

»Anam Cara means “Soul Friend.” Anam is the Gaelic word for soul and Cara is the word for friend. In Celtic tradition, an Anam Cara is a teacher, companion or spiritual guide. With the Anam Cara you can share your innermost self to reveal the hidden intimacies of your life, your mind and your heart. This friendship cuts across all convention to create an act of recognition and belonging that joins souls in an ancient and eternal way.
In everyone’s life, there is a great need for an Anam Cara, a soul friend. In this relationship, you are understood as you are, without mask or pretention. When you are understood, you are at home.

Love is the threshold where the divine and human ebb and flow, one into the other. Love is the most real and creative form of human presence. An expression of human consciousness, this love includes a depth of awareness and reverence for presence. Where consciousness is dulled, distant or blind, the presence grows faint and vanishes. Therefore awareness which brings integration and healing, is one of the greatest gifts of this friendship. As a result, you look, and see, and understand differently. You refine your sensibility and transform your way of being in the world.

The Anam Cara is a loved one who awakens your life in order to free the wild possibilities within you.«

Wild Serenity in Love (by Lorin Roche)

»Life is relationship — with the self, nature, creativity, and one another. Meditation can be defined as intimacy with life. Through meditation we pay attention to the current of vitality and love flowing through us, and ride it inward to our essences. This is an instinctive ability and everybody can do it — and yet, to live and love fully takes courage and all the inner resources we can muster.
Nature is wild and serene, and so too is our inner nature. To embrace the fullness of being — the vastness and vulnerability, sensuality, and surging power — we must be intimate with our inner nature.
We find more intimacy with ourselves and others by practicing meditations and asanas that gently awaken our senses, that open the flow of energy within our body and stretch our mind in wonder and awe.

It's from there that we tap into joy and inspiration!«

(Lorin Roche, Author of the Radiance Sutras)

Times of Trouble = Times of Transition?

It's not easy to stay awake and mindful in times of trouble and see them as the great opportunity they may actually be. I do my best to try and use my momentary difficulties to rethink and let go of old patterns, to purge and be intentional about what my "new normal" may be once I'm feeling stronger and clearer again.... and yet I feel lost and exhausted from time to time, so endlessly tired, wondering when exactly these strange days will be over. Maybe it's just the "winter blues", maybe there's more to it, maybe some answers are trying to find me... i really don't know.

Grief and sadness, fear and failure, loss and pain — they are all part of being human — and I'm aware it's up to myself how I decide to deal with the sources of my suffering. I can put up resistance but there's no way I can protect myself over any length of time. Life happens, sorrow will always find me. I know that when I struggle with what I cannot change, I'm bound to lose my joy as much as my spirit — I'm very aware of that — so all I can do right now is accept my own powerlessness and surrender to the moment, unconditionally, allowing myself to feel whatever it is I feel without creating a story, any kind of drama, around it.

Sometimes it's tough, though. I sit with the pain, I breathe, I try not to react, not to add to it in any way... and still find myself caught up in thoughts, in spite of my good intentions. Thoughts of hopelessness, of doubt, or self-pity. It's tempting to give in to the seemingly overwhelming pain — but in the end, I don't. In the end I'm always stronger than I think. Somewhere deep down I know that even though it might feel as if I'm stuck, I'm actually growing during these experiences that make me fall apart, that force me to question my priorities and make me leave my comfort zone.

Those are the moments when I have no choice but to surrender to the pain — surrender to change — and choose a different way to deal with these times of transition. Facing my doubts, losses and fears, instead of running away from them, allowing for my "self" to be broken open, looking at it as a chance, a new beginning — who knows, there's always the possibility that it's worth it, right?