Today ... today I am bliss!

Did you ever experience that almost overpowering feeling of happiness upon waking up to sheer reasonless bliss? When you open your eyes and feel like hugging the whole world, simply because it is so damned wonderful? Don't ask me "what" is so wonderful ... I do not know "what" exactly. Just everything. And everybody. "It". It is wonderful.

To be here.
To be alive.
To breathe.
To laugh.
To love.
To be able to suffer even.
To hurt.
To worry.
To be granted a heart
and a soul
and a life
and a smile you can never waste, however much you spend it.

A day when you seem to have "radiance" and "ardour" tattooed all over your forehead and you know that everything is worth everything, just for the gift of a moment like this.

This is one of those days. I opened my eyes to happiness and thought: "So what! Just forget all those worries – forget the pain and disappointment and sadness – I LOVE this damned old life! Today I'm not just plain happy ... today I'm not just blissful ... today – well, today I am bliss.

Dreams, hornets and chameleons

Another strange dream tonight – just as surreal as you'd expect any proper dream to be. Just why is it I keep dreaming of insects lately? Maybe I should look up that symbolism after all, the internet is probably full of pages on dream interpretation to assist me. Then again, the answers are most probably hidden somewhere inside myself, so why bother.

Anyway ... after I had this bizarre dream a few weeks ago, where hundreds and thousands of purple maggots came crawling out of a huge lime-green yucca seed I had brought back from Utah, tonight I had another insect dream.

It was so weird. I was outside my room, kind of ... well, not really – but it felt like I was looking in from "some outside", like through a window or from behind a glass pane, somewhat detached.

I was talking to someone I couldn't see when something caught my eye, some movement. Where my lamp should have been (one of those round, white, japanese paper things) there was only a huge hornet's nest, right in the center of the room. I could see the hornets fly about busily, seemingly agitated ... and then the queen hornet came out, boy ... she was immense! She carried a squirming white maggot on her back and I started talking to her as if she was human. I asked her why she was leaving and why she carried that maggot and she said it was to make sure the colony would survive, that I would soon become a threat to them (wouldn't one expect it to be the other way round?) and that she had to take precautions.

Still contemplating the queen hornet's words I floated back into the room, right through the glass pane that was no glass pane (sorry, I really don't know how to describe this) – and as I was moving towards the other end of the room I suddenly spotted a huge, man-sized chameleon on the couch. At first sight it looked pretty much alive, so colorful and alert ... but when I stopped to have a closer look, it seemed to lose it's color all of a sudden, turning greyish and dull. I stared and stared until it finally didn't move at all anymore, apparently it had died ... just it's big mouth was standing wide open, as if about to say something or waiting for food.

Wow ... a seemingly dead, man-sized chameleon with a wide open mouth on my couch ... it was somewhat unsettling ... I went closer, still afraid it might come alive after all, shooting out it's sticky tongue, trying to swallow me ... cautiously and very slowly I sneaked up to it ... it didn't move. Obviously it really was dead, as if it had been killed by my percipience, quite alarming!

While I was looking at it, investigating it's now immobile and more or less unexciting presence, I noticed there was something inside it's mouth – a fish! A small multi-colored fish, like a baitfish, flouncing about in agony, suffocating, drying out ... I considered rescuing it, but it meant coming too close to that still scary, big wide open mouth, reaching into it even ... I couldn't bring myself to do that.
I turned around, feeling sorry, somewhat torn between the wish to save the dying fish and a terrible fear of being swallowed and consumed in the process myself ...

Then I saw somebody enter the room, a woman ... I went over to talk to her, I seemed to know her very well even though I knew I had never seen her before. She asked me about the rat and what I intended to do about it and I said "what rat?" ... "well, the one on your floor, it's already starting to smell, it must have been dead for some time..." she answered.

I looked around but I could see no rat, not at all. I thought maybe she was crazy, seeing things. When I looked back at her she suddenly was my sister though, as if she had never been anybody else ... she was talking about something, something normal, as if the rat had never been mentioned. She also didn't seem to find anything strange in my room, noticing neither the chameleon nor the hornet's nest. We stood there talking and as we did, I could see something crawl up the wall behind her ... cockroaches I thought, disgusted ... I stepped forward to check and then realized they were scorpions, maybe ten of them, right behind her head, only inches away from it. I told her not to move, not to turn around but come slowly over to where I stood ... she did and we both looked at the scorpions, they were golden and carrying some kind of tiara where they normally have the forceps. At times they would come to a halt – very unexpectedly, stopping dead in their tracks – and instead of continuing on their way up the wall when moving again, they would just drop down to the floor, falling ... as soon as they touched ground, they turned into something else: flies, lizards, worms ... dying immediately after the metamorphosis ... the floor was already covered with dead things – and bibles ... very old bibles, faded and yellowed. I felt repelled, nauseated even, but also so very sorry for all those poor dying creatures ... I started crying, watching helplessly.

It was then that I clearly figured it was all just a dream, – I was only dreaming and it would be all over and gone once I opened my eyes ... strange thing is ... instead of that fact coming as a relief, it made me feel somewhat melancholy – I could see them disappear already: the hornets, the chameleon, the scorpions – and I cried even harder.

Then I finally woke up, only minutes before the alarm would have gone off ... time to get up ... and here I sit, still wondering what this was all about ... oh, my – Lilli and her dreams..!