Fall...

Fall - I took the season very literal this year, stumbling over myself in more than just one way. On top of the world one day, down in the dumps the next.
Nobody is to blame really, however tempting it may be to accuse others. Truth is, I have a tendency to bite off more than I can chew, workwise. I overestimate my strength, both physically and mentally, my ability to cope with pressure and stress has never been the same after I suffered severe burn-out-syndrome several years ago. I have a tendency to forget - and I have a hard time saying "no", both to official job-offers and to friends asking me for help, no matter how much I have on my platter already.

So, stumble and fall I did. I picked myself up, pulled myself together and tried to move on... on all fours maybe, rough-and-ready... but I move. Fake it till you make it, right? Anyhow. Fall is coming to an end, and so am I. Running on empty. I'm so very tired, it's hard to make it through the days sometimes. But I do... I do.

Three more days and I can finally "let go"... sleep, relax, ease into and - hopefully out of - the tiredness and physical exhaustion. I can take a deep breath and detach myself from all the work and worries, regaining strength and energy, balance and inner peace. Pretty much looking forward to that... sigh!

Sadness

Sadness is written all over the trees,
Painted across the sky,
I can feel it in my bones
It's a time to say goodbye

Longing for you

Right now
what I miss
is a friend to sit with
in silence under
the moon

just be with me
be quiet with me

my love
my friend
my patron saint
my joy and pain
my loss
my gain

come sit with me
breathe with me

kiss me
caress me
tug me in at night
sing me a lullaby
hold me tight
don't speak
no words

dance with me
dream with me

listen to
the earth
the universe
the beating of
my heart is
an echo of
your soul

come inside me
enter me

fill me
and feel me
give yourself to me
out there by the water
I'll be waiting for you
to come home
to me

Anam Cara - by Tony Cuckson

On Soul Friendship

To be an Anam Cara – a Soul Friend – is to be in love with who you are. When you know who you are beyond this illusion of a separate sense of self Love happens. To share this is to be an Anam cara. The focus of your life situation must be the focus of deep friendship with your Self. This is not the self that we call the ‘little me.’ This is the Self that is referred to as ‘I am’ in Christianity and Buddha nature in Buddhism. In Celtic Spirituality the poet Amergin speaks about this universal connection when he recites what is considered the first poem in Ireland: “I am the wave on the ocean, I am the wind that blows across the sea ...". Amergin knows that he is in everything. It is a poem about the transcendence of the illusion of separateness.

An Anam Cara reminds you of what is important. They will invite you into this unity and knowing, constantly inviting you to stop judging yourself in anyway and simply be engaged with silent witnessing of your thoughts and feelings as they arise and fall. They invite you into the silence of the Self that is the real secret of living a wonder filled life, they bring you closer to this silence, closer to the timeless now. They are so in love with life – beyond the life of ‘little me’ – that to be around them you feel more alive. They know that the greatest gift they can give is to be who they are.

They take you on a journey beyond the illusion that either one of you is separate. If they are lovers they take each other into places of transcendence beyond the body and into the experience that 'We are All One', which is Love. This journey into Self, this journey into the Return to Love is the real quest. You return home to the place you never left which is oneness.

This is a journey of subtraction rather than addition. It is a journey of attention, commitment, and practice and ultimately surrender. These are concurrent practices that go deep and deeper into the beauty of nothingness out of which all form arises and which is never born or never dies.

When you find your Anam Cara you will project the beauty that you are unto them. Yet lurking within this projection is always the shadow self. Lurking within the outward focus on the other is the avoidance of those parts of our self that we do not love. We look for unity with the other but our real happiness is within the knowing of Sacred Unity that is never other and is forever.

An Anam Cara loves your essence and guides you to the presence you are. They see you beyond your mask, the mask of persona. They see beyond the fear. They see the absence of love. This is love you withdraw from others and yourself. This is the love that is your real power. This does not mean they have to like YOU. You are the one that gets in the way of soul. Your soul is the light of love and it needs light. It needs the lightness of being. An Anam Cara will remind you simply “to be.”

A Soul Friend is only a mirror. When you are with a Soul Friend you are assisted in recognizing your true self. Too often we think that they are the source of our delight when in fact they are only the mirrors of the delight that we have allowed to arise within us. They assist this arising by being the delight – the light that they are.

Never rely totally on the outside form for your Soul Friendship. This too will pass. Be Soul Friendship. Be who you are. Then you will know that Soul and Friendship are not other than who you are. You will drop the illusion that it is something that is separate from you. Then you will be who you truly are: Nothing special but special beyond imagination.

Know that about yourself and the dance really does begin. The real lover and you come home to the place you never left.

Gratitude...

Brimfull with gratitude, humbled by the awareness that I am so blessed in this life, having friends that I can trust so blindly and entirely, friends who understand me on a level somewhere beyond explanation... What a gift to have a handful of people in my life I can totally rely on, - no matter how far away they may be at times, their presence in my life is tangible and real, in spite of the distance. Not everyone can understand intense relationships like these and I'm blessed all the more, having a loving husband who not only tolerates but understands how important these people are to me, and supports me in keeping these friendships alive, a task that isn't easy at times... but then again, grace and faith are so much stronger than prejudice and convention.

Pema Chödrön: When things are shaky...

»When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something. We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality.«

Reminder Note To Self

Don't wait for the "right" moment.

The right moment to travel the world... quit a job that makes you unhappy... start something new... tell somebody you love them... invite a friend.

Don't wait for a better opportunity - just do it.  Life is a pretty fragile condition. The "perfect" moment doesn't exist - create it.

Don't perpetually postpone  living to the future.  Don't postpone what might make you happy today thinking you can do it tomorrow.

Tomorrow may never come.

Don’t say that you do not have the time. We all have time, the question is how we choose to use it. If an opportunity presents itself, go for it. The longer you put something off, the less likely you'll  do it. Procrastination is a sure way of  missing your chances and there is nothing worse than looking back at your life with regret.

Don't let your fears keep you from trying to pursue your dreams.
Everybody has fears, it's human. Don't run from them, deal with them.

Don't say you don’t have enough money. Money is always an issue. Decide not to make it one. Decide to make it work. If money is tight, start being creative. Don't despair. Don't be ashamed to ask for help if need be.

Don't "over-educate" yourself. With so much information instantly available these days, there are so many resources,  endless opportunities - you can google yourself to hell and back - but the more information you get, the less you are able to act upon all that knowledge,  it simply leads to confusion... what is right, what is wrong, what is important, what is not? There’s not enough time in a lifetime to consider each and every aspect of a subject.

Don't ask the internet. Ask your heart.

Try to live each day to the fullest, as if it was your last. When you find you failed, forgive yourself. Make the necessary changes. Try again.

Don't push yourself too hard - just keep your dreams and values in mind.

Have faith.

Be happy.

Start now.

love out of body

Oh so hard to fathom,
that energy behind the flesh
that greater story...
as our cells they seem to explode
into the oneness you describe,
sneering at conventions,
ridiculing the idea of distance...
glory, yes -
and torture, nonetheless.

A love out of body...
I wonder how does it feel,
this love,
let off the leash,
released from the boundaries of the physical
running free
running wild
subject only to the voice of the earth
God
before man and religion transformed Him
into that vehicle of fear
and restraint
trying to gain control
of what is beyond control
divine joy

A love out of body
untamed
is energy born of the elemental
a passion and a prayer -
a hymn to the earth
pristine and pure -
primal
this lust for life and living
that leads right back to the physical
like wild horses careering
against the backdrop of an endless horizon
savoring their own strength
manes flying in the sun
hoofs digging up the dirt
tails streaming...

Spirit made flesh
a vision of vigor
vitality
far beyond doubt
beyond reproach
who could condemn?

We're all made like that
created as one
spirit and soul
body and mind
to His likeness they say
an image of God
inseparable
So take that quote
"What God has joined
let no man put asunder..."
and see it in the light of truth
not convention
not religion...
and tell me we're doing wrong.

I can see no sin
in our open hearts
searching that oneness
longing for fulfillment
"Every day we slaughter our finest impulses...." - yes!
each day we kill our finest instincts
and that may be the real sacrilege
denying the divine
bowing to conformation.