"And now let us welcome the New Year – full of things that have never been." (Rilke)A week ago I have been asked how I felt about the new year and if I had any new year's resolutions and all I felt able to do was shrug the whole subject off. I felt empty and sad, somewhat lost and disoriented, completely devoid of imagination, passion or any kind of decided opinion. I realized I needed a little distance to what was happening, stepping back and taking a good look at what was there – or not there – inside me.
So I retreated into the silence and solitude of the countryside ... to my funny old rocking chair by the fire, going for long nightly walks across the empty fields all covered in white by frost and by snow, looking at the countless stars in the sky above ... waiting for things to expose themselves, watching my thoughts come and go, emotions arise and disappear again, reflecting on what came up, trying not to analyze too much but let the answers find their own way into my heart ... knowing they always do ... however painful the process may be at times, in the end clarity is the reward.
I've never been a great believer in "date related" resolutions. If I feel I have been mistaken in my behaviour – acting unwisely – or if I simply find I need to change certain things in my life, resolving to correct my course, I'll always try to change and readjust as soon as I become aware of the fact, so all through the year there may be new resolutions to accomplish.
There is one resolution though (I call it my "perpetual resolution") that I have to remind myself of at regular intervals – New Year's Eve being as welcome an occasion as any other – and that is to be happy in the moment! To find delight in what is right in front of me, in recalling the many reasons for gratitude, the simple joy of being alive and human and in that blessed with so many gifts – what a grace, what beauty! To see that again and feel the soothing, deeply pacifying humility and bliss rooted in that awareness – it always brings me right back into harmony with the world inside and outside my self. Coming face to face with the "reality of simplicity", regaining an awareness of the moment, I finally managed to feel more light-hearted again, more hopeful and optimistic looking ahead, more thankful and understanding looking back.
Life has a funny way of throwing unexpected things at us and I do not always know how to deal with them, I feel temporarily lost or betrayed, hopeless, confused or somewhat resigned to fate. At such moments it takes a lot of energy, self conquest and mindfulness to go beyond the self-pity and fear, the feelings of futility and purposelessness and it's always that one resolution, that one aim that brings back the confidence and strength:
to be happy in the moment ... to remember that it is myself who decides whether to concentrate on the good or the bad, whether I want to see the reasons for thankfulness or for bitterness, the beauty or the misery.
A resolution isn't accomplished the day it's stated, it probably isn't even accomplished the day you reach your goal, it's a constant process, achieved in many small increments along the way, many small successes. At times we progress, at others we fall back. The turn of the year is a good time to renew those resolutions we have made before and then disregarded or neglected to some degree. It's a good time to reflect, to reconsider, to contemplate – to see where we went wrong, where we failed ourselves and others.
But ... we should also make sure we acknowledge what we
do have achieved over the year, where we
did develop or grow, where we made progress and changed for the better, where we made people happy, where we have been there for others.
"We can not give what we do not have" ... so true ... and to recognize our qualities (as well as our defects) we must stay honest with and true to ourselves – to who we
really are, deep inside – or we run danger of misleading ourselves and others. Yet we should remember there is always more than one way of looking at things. We may not always see or understand in how far we have been of service to another, thinking of ourselves as having been selfish, of having been wrong, when really there was some kind of sense in everything that happened, everything we did ... somewhere beyond our grasp, making sense in the greater scheme of things.
German poet Rainer Maria Rilke described the turning of the years as
"a great leaf, that God and you and I have covered with writing...", envisioning the New Year as
"a bright new page, where everything yet can happen." He also reminds us that the future belongs to the realm of things that are beyond our control. Fate measures the page unmoved by us, however much we like the idea of being in control. And yet – somewhere beyond our will power, our wishes or expectations, our disappointments and failures even – there is hope, confidence, belief ... that in the future "everything yet can happen." ...
Just consider that thought – carrying so much comfort if you decide to see the good instead of the bad, the many possibilities instead of the risks: When everything yet can happen, it means being given a new chance – the New Year is a "new page", a new beginning. It is up to ourselves to let go of the failures and regrets, the resentments, fears and angers of the past. It is on us to forgive ourselves our errors and misconducts, to make up for them and try to grow, to believe in a deeper meaning in everything we have been allowed to experience. A
"New Year – full of things that have never been" ... doesn't that sound promising and rewarding, pleasantly exciting, vibrant of life?
So when my friends finally arrived to end my self chosen solitude and share New Year's Eve with me, asking again how I felt about the new year and if I had any New Year's Resolutions, my answer was: I'm happy in the moment, resolving to remain happy in the moments to come, thankful for what has been and looking forward to whatever will come into being ... to remember that and remind myself in time should I forget, that is my perpetual All Year's Resolution.
"The secret of happiness is the determination to be happy always, rather than wait for outer circumstances to make one happy. It is a long succession of little decisions simply to be happy in the moment." (J. Donald Walters)
