Today, I want it all!! Darn moral codes and values – senseless – everything could be so simple without them, for sure.
Just what is that pull ... that pining ... that yearning? It hit me last night, out of the blue, from one second to the next. I felt alone yet wanted nobody there. Nobody who was available anyway...
And there is more ... I want to do too many things but lack the time, or the money. Work gets in my way. Moral ethics get in my way. Social conventions. Nothing's enough. Or already too much.
It's just one of these days. I know it will pass, but it can be agonizing at times. I'll never understand where it comes from when it happens without warning, arising from nothingness. Or where it disappears, from one moment to the next. No explanations, no clues.
It's like a physical pain sometimes, as if I'm being torn in two. Hungry, thirsty, craving ... and I cannot even say what it is that I so desire then – whatever I can't have maybe. More ... of what? Maybe just something else than what I have. It all seems so dull and worn at times ... futile, mediocre.
And all the time I know that once I'd have that "something else", it wouldn't be the right thing again, not over any length of time. I have everything already, everything I need ... and more, much more.
Maybe I crave perfection ... when there is no perfection. Or is there?
I try to remain in the moment, but still ... I want that moment to be different ... right here, right now ... I wanna shine, burn ... I want passion, fervor, life ... oooooh, life ... I taste it and it overwhelms me.
I can't get enough. I want, I want, I want ... I wanna embrace life wholeheartedly, passionately, without reserve ... when the one thing that gets in my way there is life itself. Can you hear the universe laughing? Hahaha!
Where does serenity go when it can no longer stand the silence?
As I said, I know this mood will pass. I've been working too much. I haven't been out in the open ever since I returned from the country and I miss that desperately, even after only a few days.
I need the night
the air
the stars
the smell of the wet grass
by the lake
nightbirds
fireflies
moonlight
upon my skin
I need to run real fast
swing high up in the air
spin around and around and around
with the wind catching in my hair
until I fall down on the ground
laughing, crying, laughing
hopefully
breathing it all out
the want, the need, the restlessness.
the thought of those hands
upon my body
gone
what is your cure?
what do you do?
