Awareness and ignorance

Sometimes life is so much of a mystery ... things happen all the time, they come into being and then they pass and we never know for what reason, neither why they appear nor whey they disappear.
Instead of trying to comprehend why they do, I should just take them for what they are, remaining in the moment, simply seeing, enjoying and being grateful for what is pleasant ... accepting what is not ... but my mind is so restless lately, always wondering, pondering, trying to comprehend.

What happened to my assumed 'peace of mind' ... have I been carelessly taking it for granted, endangering it by that? It may just be that way. I felt so content and happy ever since I returned from the desert, nothing could disturb my balance, I felt rooted in reality, mastering my life with so much awareness and gratitude. It was nothing I did with much activity on my part; I had just given up trying to control what was happening – taking life as it came – and that had left me with a certain peace of mind.
It wasn't an easy time – early this summer I had to go through what might have become a bit of a tragedy in the past but I could just watch it and remain in awareness and avoid to fall into the abyss the way I would probably have a year ago. Now, this sounds quite arrogant in a way, and maybe it was ... expecting this 'new condition' to be there for good ... some kind of spiritual armchair ... just sit down, recline and make myself comfortable. Looks like it doesn't work that way – and I guess I knew it all along.

Why is it that we master some things with so much sensitivity and consciousness and others leave us completely lost and helpless. Why can we see the traps and dangers of going wrong so clearly in looking on others but are so often blind when it comes to ourselves?

All spring and summer I have been there for a friend in need, completely forgetting about myself, simply serving the moment, giving my guidance, my comfort, sharing my gifts freely, somehow independent of my self. I could just divine this friend's needs, fears and doubts – somewhere beyond intellect or reason – and gently guide him out of his darkness, back to a point where he could take over again, able to cope and go on by himself. Now I see something similar happen to myself and all I do is squirm and whine, losing patience with myself, blaming myself, dramatizing things instead of accepting them.

What I was able to detect with so much love and understanding in this friend, I find hard to grant myself, looking at myself with a certain rigour and prejudice of how I should be, how I should act and feel. It's silly and I know it – I can see all that, I can see what I'm doing to myself and I still don't seem to be able to act accordingly.
I carry that quiet resentment, that feeling I have been done wrong, played or fooled ... that the world is unfair, concerning a certain situation iny my life. I can not even claim that I know no better, I have no apology or justification for what I'm doing to myself, I am in fact aware of how I cater to my own suffering ... so why don't I just get up and do something, help myself ..? Am I enjoying my momentary misery? I feel so tired and weary, so reluctant to act if that means I have to question myself or my reasons for suffering. Maybe I don't want to look. Or maybe it just seems so arduous or complicated to get to the bottom of things. I am drifting into some kind of inability to act, some resignation or reluctancy to come to terms with myself. Everything feels so idle right now. I feel it is all too much, too strenuous to think about it. But is it really?

I feel like everything is too much for me when really I do not have much to do at all. What do I do but sit around feeling sorry for myself? I make an attempt to get started on something then lose myself in some moment in time, lose my relationship with time and reality and before I know, hours have passed and I still sit there – none the wiser. Later ... always later.

Outside it's dark all the time, or so it feels. It's grey and wet and cold. I miss the colours. I know it doesn't make sense. They won't come back until spring, so why quarrel with reality? And yet, there is a certain mood in the air and it gets at me. Winter depression. I detect it in almost everybody around me right now and I take up the mood. Again, knowing it's stupid to harm myself by doing it. I know better than that. But ... always but.

I guess I will just have to stop typing and start looking and acting. Come face to face with reality. Stop wasting precious time ... sorry for whining like that ....

The Wonderful Wizard

my wonderful wizard grew weary
of life, the world and the wife
leaving him flat, always wanting,
looking for more ...

go! fill that god-sized hole
with another willing victim
a sweet enchanting soul
sharing your chocolate kisses
your dream of love beyond belief

ah, and yet
just another face in the crowd
beautiful, but ...
is it real?
just another online dreamer
prepared to be fooled

pick them out
suck them up
drain them out

leave them emptihanded
but leave – always just leave
nothing is real here
nothing is yours
run home to mommy
she'll pay your bill
take you back – tuck you in
she always does
leaving you flat but provided

how much of a gift
can you really afford to give?

Anam Cara – Communion of Soul to Soul

In the Celtic tradition, there is a beautiful understanding of love and friendship. The old Irish term Anam Cara is translated as soul friend. When one has an Anam Cara, they are joined in an ancient and eternal way with the person who is a friend to their soul.

"Relationships with an anam cara are not made but rather seemingly unfold or are discovered. The anam cara relationship is the awakening of a friendship in which the anam cara sees you as your highest, most beautiful self and with whom you may share the intimacies of your spiritual journey through life. An anam cara may or may not be physically present in your life to serve in that role."