I can hardly believe it, but it's already autumn again. We switched the clocks to winter time, finally admitting to the shorter, darker days. And as much as the autumn is a time of acknowledgement and gratitude, a time of 'Thanksgiving' in so many aspects, feeling grateful for all the different harvests - literal or symbolic – that we may have brought in over the year, it's also a time to gather ourselves and strengthen our spirits in preparation for the passage into Winter ...
Yes, yes and yes - all of you sending me text messages, e-mails, talking on my answering machine or whatever other way you chose in trying to contact me, I know it was in vain. And again yes, you are right ... I am a slightly faithless friend these days. I am sorry. I really am. It's not like I don't think of you all, I do, quite often to be honest. I just never seem to get down to show a sign of life - but I assure you, I am still here! Very much so. Please don't be angry, don't be cross, I feel I just need a little time-out right now. Some of you know this already, I need my times of retreat from everything I normally do and everybody I normally see, it's not personal in any way and I don't mean to offend anybody by not returning your calls or not answering your messages.
If I say I need to retreat from everything, maybe I'm giving a wrong impression. It's not a retreat from everyday life (as much as I'd like that). Not like the meditation retreats I take. It's rather an attempt to take 'one thing at a time', focusing on certain aspects of my life only, trying to get a few things done properly instead of halfheartedly leaving a lot unfinished. I spend a lot of time at the buddhist center, meditating, studying, learning, taking in a whole lot of new knowledge and impetus, absorbing it and reflecting on it when I'm not there. I decided to give it more time, spend more time at the center as well, because I realized that just going there every now and then, practicing only when I find the time, didn't prove to be very successful. So for the moment I put it in the center of my life and arrange everything else around it until I feel more 'grounded', rooted in what I hopefully learn to understand more deeply and finally may become able to make a genuine part of my life.
Meanwhile, life is going on as usual, faster than I want maybe. But that's the way it is, it just happens and I flow with it.
So what's new? ... Well, the roof problem is getting into crunch mode, about to be solved I hope, as I really couldn't avoid it any longer. In the end, it got more expensive than I hoped (but probably still cheaper than it might have become). I don't know about these things, I never owned more than 2.000 Euros and everything above 5.000 Euros certainly seems a fortune to me. The roof will cost twice that amount, leaving me speechless and kind of paralyzed. I think I've told you that the bank refused to give me the money and that I really didn't know how to advance after that. After a lot of talking to my relatives, an uncle agreed to lend me the money if I assign the house for security. I did – but happy as I am to get the roof repaired now, I'm also quite worried about how I will ever pay him back. It's so much money. We didn't talk about the period of time he'll grant me to repay him or about the exact amount of my monthly installments, so I can just hope he is realistic enough to realize that it will probably take years and years. Anyway, fact is that I'll have a new roof on the house before christmas (I hope). That in mind - and ample relief in my heart - I try not to think about that unpleasant money thing too much. After all, it's only money ...
What else can I tell you. I fell in love. And out of love. And in again. I don't quite know what to make of it myself. It's all very complicated and I don't think I'm through with the subject yet, still trying to find clarity. Can I control whether or not I have my heart broken? I'm not sure. I guess what I'm trying to do is reducing the risk, cutting my losses. Letting my intellect rule over my emotion. Waiting what life has to add ... I guess it will have it's say in this after all. And probably the final one ...
I'm still having a busy time thinking about friendships, relationships of all kinds. Working on some of them, feeling fine with some others, testing here, questioning there. How does this go with not getting back to most of my friends, you might ask. Well, I'm not sure. Maybe it's about reducing risks as well. Or about trying to remain focused, trying not to take too much at a time. The way I tend to scrutinize everything right now, maybe it's better that way, keeping those friendships out that I do not regard to be on the 'doubtful side'. If you find that I make myself very scarce these days, you're probably one of those friends I feel confident with. Confident enough to trust that you'll understand or at least tolerate my momentary retreat from everything. I don't want to imply that I take any of your friendship for granted. Very much the opposite is the case. I am grateful that I have a couple of friends who provide a certain 'constant' in my life and who allow me to fall back on.
Please remain patient and grant me a little more time. I'll be back soon, I promise!
29 October 2006
27 October 2006
Gossamer Days
Last weekend, early in the morning, I decided to go for a walk up the vineyard, still covered in fog and dew. I regarded the grapes – they are abundant this year – when I realized there were cobwebs literally everywhere. Hundreds and hundreds of them, absolutely intriguing. The sun was just about to break through and the dew formed little shimmering pearls on every one of those fragile spider webs, as if somebody had strung beads all over the vineyard. At that moment I felt really sorry I had no camera, it was so beautiful and I wanted to capture that moment for my friends to share. In the end I took some 'scanty' pictures with my mobile phone …
It's a pity blogger reduces the photos, because you can't really make out the single pearls of dew the way you can in the real photo. But still, it gives you an impression. And you can always click to enlarge the photos I think ...
Isn't this a wonderful time ..? The soft sun, the dew, the colours, the cobwebs, the wind and - sometimes a bit irritating - those fine strands of baby spider's webs, 'gossamer' I think they are called. I remember my grandma in Connecticut calling certain mild autumn days 'Gossamer Days' because of that, but I'm not sure if it's a common expression? These almost invisible baby webs are floating around everywhere now and when the sun is low they'll catch the light, looking like very fine strands of silvery white hair, reminding me of why the Germans call this time Altweibersommer, 'Old Wive's Summer', which – in turn – reminds me of my grandmother ...
Im Herbst
Der schöne Sommer ging von hinnen,
Der Herbst, der reiche, zog ins Land.
Nun weben all die guten Spinnen
So manches feine Festgewand.
Sie weben zu des Tages Feier
Mit kunstgeübtem Hinterbein
Ganz allerliebste Elfenschleier
Als Schmuck für Wiese, Flur und Hain.
Ja, tausend Silberfäden geben
Dem Winde sie zum leichten Spiel,
Die ziehen sanft dahin und schweben
Ans unbewußt bestimmte Ziel.
Sie ziehen in das Wunderländchen,
Wo Liebe scheu im Anbeginn,
Und leis' verknüpft ein zartes Bändchen
Den Schäfer mit der Schäferin.
(Wilhelm Busch)
In Autumn
The lovely summer has been leaving,
and with its wealth arrived the fall.
The spiders are all kindly weaving
fine garments for the festival.
They're weaving for the celebration,
with hindlegs practiced in the trade,
the veils of elves as decoration
for hill and dale and mead and glade.
Yes, thousand silver threads donated
into the wind, to turn and bend,
are softly drifting where they're fated
to an unconscious, settled end.
They're drifting toward a fairy landing
where love commences shy caress
and softly ties, with silken banding,
the shephard to the shephardess.
(Wilhelm Busch)
11 October 2006
Separation
Separation
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle
Everything I do is stitched with its color
(W.S. Merwin)
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle
Everything I do is stitched with its color
(W.S. Merwin)
06 October 2006
Coping ... happily
Yes, I know, haven't written much lately. There's so much happening right now that I'd hardly know where to start. My time is all filled up with life's unfolding and me trying to keep pace and the days just pass without leaving any space for writing.
Things are changing, things are happening, things are developing, things are ending. It's hard to sort it all out but I think I am coping quite well so far. It is a difficult but also challenging time concerning relationships. Some are ending, some are growing, some are just being developed and others are redeveloped. It's an inspiring and confusing time in terms of spiritual growth. It's an exciting time concerning every little bit of myself, my life, in every respect.
I have come out of retreat only last weekend and while I feel quite peaceful and happy, I also feel very much alert and all my senses seem to be sharpened and I have to be careful not to get myself into a state of sensory and emotional overload. I'm trying to start off slow now, dealing with everything that happens one by one, which is not always easy, things tend to happen just in their own time and more often than not, all at once. They sure do at the moment ... yet I am determined not to let that impress or rush me, I know that no good will come from it if I do.
Ever since I'm back to intensive meditation, on retreat but also in daily life, it's been getting easier to cope with things. Seeing clearer, acting more aware again. I know that I have made an unhappy decision when I let it slide over the summer. I haven't practiced long enough and I am not stable enough to deal with occurring problems all by myself without the help of meditation and spiritual friends and teachers. I fell back into my old patterns and old habits and found it harder and harder to be mindful in everyday life. I started to feel lost and helpless and overwhelmed by life and I guess some of my friends and other people around me had to suffer from my frustration and mindlessness. I missed the vivid exchange, the generous sharing of interests, thoughts and teachings, the spiritual stimulus that I now experience with friends and teachers at the buddhist center. Going there is a real inspiration for my practise and strengthening me in everyday life, also enriching my friendships 'outside' I believe.
Considering what I have just said, thinking it over again, I find that everything I do right now, in one way or another, has to do with relationship. In several different aspects. Relationships, friendships, past and present, have very much influenced me on my path and now I find that it kind of reverberates, that the course my path takes influences my relationships, or rather me and the way I relate to people – which is not the same I think, but probably comes down to the same in the end.
My most personal challenge lately is the community-conscious togetherness that I experience at the buddhist center. I am really the typical loner, happy and content all by myself and more often than not I find being with others quite a strain. There are moments when the close company of people may cause both physical and mental stress in me, resulting in feelings of panic, circulation problems, being unable to breathe, attacks of sweating, heavy headaches, stuff like that. What I used do in order to avoid this was – quite simply – avoiding company. Sure, I had a couple of close friends and a few family members that I still managed to see on a regular basis and normally without any problems, but even with them I never really felt tempted to spend a longer time. My maximum tolerance limit in being with somebody (when there is no possibility to avoid one another) is maybe three days. But depending on my general condition, at times a single evening may be too much. After a certain time my ability to socialise just declines rapidly and I start to feel under pressure, harassed, ill at ease. It's more difficult the more people are associated. Big Parties are almost impossible. Gatherings of any kind are pure horror for me, especially if I am expected to play an active role, be present, take part. It's not like I am shy, at least not more than is normal and healthy. It's different. I feel like my energy is being sucked off me, like the need to converse, to be present, exhausts me beyond my strengths. I really need to be by myself then. Centre myself, collect my thoughts, gain some kind of mental balance again. The day after such events I always feel extremely tired and worn out.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like this is happening all the time. Normally I'm just fine when I am with people for a couple of hours, for a single day or even longer, as long as there is enough space for me to withdraw at certain times. The normal living-together in a house or big appartment, like with a family or in a relationship, is not really a problem. It's only in situations of being too close together, when people leave no room for me to draw back, force their company on me, that it becomes a problem. It's been the reason I have been avoiding people for a very long time. Loosing a lot of friends for want of input from my side. Finding it hard to make new friends for fear of possible panic attacks and the need to explain to a stranger what I do not quite understand myself.
Sometime ago, after describing it to a friend and for the first time becoming completely aware of it myself, I decided that it cannot go on like that. That I have to work on this problem, find out why it happens, when it happens and what the reasons may be. I could go on about it here but I will spare you the details. I have come to some conclusions and I have my own theories to part of the problem by now, but most important, I think that I'm slowly progressing.
Situations like now during the retreat (and this was not a solely silent retreat, there were periods of prolonged silence as well as periods of intense emotional exchange), sharing a room with strangers, being together day and night ... that simply wouldn't have been possible a short while ago, while now I actually find myself feeling perfectly comfortable, even missing this 'togetherness' to a certain degree. Well, I must admit that at one point though, during a very early meditation, I had a slight relapse, starting to panic, starting to sweat and feeling dizzy all of a sudden. But I'm not sure if it had anything to do with my old problem or if it's just been a 'normal' circulation problem, due to the early hour, an empty stomach and a slightly too strong scent of 'Nag Champa' in an overheated room (for now, I'll blame it on the latter).
One thing that makes a huge difference is whether or not I can relate to people, if there is a certain point of identification, of mutual understanding. The first time I realized I can cope was in Austria. Even if it wasn't as intense as my recent experience, I still could relate to the people of that hiking-group, just not quite as wholeheartedly maybe. I managed to spend whole days with that group, which for me was already quite an achievement, yet I think I couldn't have shared a room with any of them, I still needed a certain physical distance.
I find that in the end, it all comes down to a question of trust and understanding. If I really trust in somebody and feel that there is a certain understanding between me and that person, I will be fine. Because somebody who really tends to understand me and my motives (and I don't mean on an intellectual level but rather from an intuitive emotional level) will automatically leave me enough space to withdraw mentally if I need it, however restricted the spacial or physical circumstances may be. As soon as I feel there is mutual understanding, I trust and feel free and at ease with this person.
It was a completely new experience for me to discover that I do not necessarily find this quality primarily in people I have known for a long time, but that if I look in the right places, look the right way, I might find it in others as well. People I have just met may carry this quality. So the secret seems to be in looking, in searching and in letting it happen. It doesn't help if I withdraw myself from the world, protecting myself from people. I shouldn't look so much on what I want to avoid but on what I want to find. That's what I'm doing right now, open myself, for potential friends, for companions on my way through this life. They may be old and they may be new. Discovered or rediscovered, I think I'll have to develope a whole new way of looking at people and while some relationships may surprise me in a positive way, others may not stand the test. Sometimes I'll hurt, sometimes I'll be scared, sometimes I'll shine with happiness and every now and then I'll still be hazed by doubt, but all the time ... I have a feeling that it's worthwhile, a feeling of contentment and gratitude, that this may be my path ...
Things are changing, things are happening, things are developing, things are ending. It's hard to sort it all out but I think I am coping quite well so far. It is a difficult but also challenging time concerning relationships. Some are ending, some are growing, some are just being developed and others are redeveloped. It's an inspiring and confusing time in terms of spiritual growth. It's an exciting time concerning every little bit of myself, my life, in every respect.
I have come out of retreat only last weekend and while I feel quite peaceful and happy, I also feel very much alert and all my senses seem to be sharpened and I have to be careful not to get myself into a state of sensory and emotional overload. I'm trying to start off slow now, dealing with everything that happens one by one, which is not always easy, things tend to happen just in their own time and more often than not, all at once. They sure do at the moment ... yet I am determined not to let that impress or rush me, I know that no good will come from it if I do.
Ever since I'm back to intensive meditation, on retreat but also in daily life, it's been getting easier to cope with things. Seeing clearer, acting more aware again. I know that I have made an unhappy decision when I let it slide over the summer. I haven't practiced long enough and I am not stable enough to deal with occurring problems all by myself without the help of meditation and spiritual friends and teachers. I fell back into my old patterns and old habits and found it harder and harder to be mindful in everyday life. I started to feel lost and helpless and overwhelmed by life and I guess some of my friends and other people around me had to suffer from my frustration and mindlessness. I missed the vivid exchange, the generous sharing of interests, thoughts and teachings, the spiritual stimulus that I now experience with friends and teachers at the buddhist center. Going there is a real inspiration for my practise and strengthening me in everyday life, also enriching my friendships 'outside' I believe.
Considering what I have just said, thinking it over again, I find that everything I do right now, in one way or another, has to do with relationship. In several different aspects. Relationships, friendships, past and present, have very much influenced me on my path and now I find that it kind of reverberates, that the course my path takes influences my relationships, or rather me and the way I relate to people – which is not the same I think, but probably comes down to the same in the end.
My most personal challenge lately is the community-conscious togetherness that I experience at the buddhist center. I am really the typical loner, happy and content all by myself and more often than not I find being with others quite a strain. There are moments when the close company of people may cause both physical and mental stress in me, resulting in feelings of panic, circulation problems, being unable to breathe, attacks of sweating, heavy headaches, stuff like that. What I used do in order to avoid this was – quite simply – avoiding company. Sure, I had a couple of close friends and a few family members that I still managed to see on a regular basis and normally without any problems, but even with them I never really felt tempted to spend a longer time. My maximum tolerance limit in being with somebody (when there is no possibility to avoid one another) is maybe three days. But depending on my general condition, at times a single evening may be too much. After a certain time my ability to socialise just declines rapidly and I start to feel under pressure, harassed, ill at ease. It's more difficult the more people are associated. Big Parties are almost impossible. Gatherings of any kind are pure horror for me, especially if I am expected to play an active role, be present, take part. It's not like I am shy, at least not more than is normal and healthy. It's different. I feel like my energy is being sucked off me, like the need to converse, to be present, exhausts me beyond my strengths. I really need to be by myself then. Centre myself, collect my thoughts, gain some kind of mental balance again. The day after such events I always feel extremely tired and worn out.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like this is happening all the time. Normally I'm just fine when I am with people for a couple of hours, for a single day or even longer, as long as there is enough space for me to withdraw at certain times. The normal living-together in a house or big appartment, like with a family or in a relationship, is not really a problem. It's only in situations of being too close together, when people leave no room for me to draw back, force their company on me, that it becomes a problem. It's been the reason I have been avoiding people for a very long time. Loosing a lot of friends for want of input from my side. Finding it hard to make new friends for fear of possible panic attacks and the need to explain to a stranger what I do not quite understand myself.
Sometime ago, after describing it to a friend and for the first time becoming completely aware of it myself, I decided that it cannot go on like that. That I have to work on this problem, find out why it happens, when it happens and what the reasons may be. I could go on about it here but I will spare you the details. I have come to some conclusions and I have my own theories to part of the problem by now, but most important, I think that I'm slowly progressing.
Situations like now during the retreat (and this was not a solely silent retreat, there were periods of prolonged silence as well as periods of intense emotional exchange), sharing a room with strangers, being together day and night ... that simply wouldn't have been possible a short while ago, while now I actually find myself feeling perfectly comfortable, even missing this 'togetherness' to a certain degree. Well, I must admit that at one point though, during a very early meditation, I had a slight relapse, starting to panic, starting to sweat and feeling dizzy all of a sudden. But I'm not sure if it had anything to do with my old problem or if it's just been a 'normal' circulation problem, due to the early hour, an empty stomach and a slightly too strong scent of 'Nag Champa' in an overheated room (for now, I'll blame it on the latter).
One thing that makes a huge difference is whether or not I can relate to people, if there is a certain point of identification, of mutual understanding. The first time I realized I can cope was in Austria. Even if it wasn't as intense as my recent experience, I still could relate to the people of that hiking-group, just not quite as wholeheartedly maybe. I managed to spend whole days with that group, which for me was already quite an achievement, yet I think I couldn't have shared a room with any of them, I still needed a certain physical distance.
I find that in the end, it all comes down to a question of trust and understanding. If I really trust in somebody and feel that there is a certain understanding between me and that person, I will be fine. Because somebody who really tends to understand me and my motives (and I don't mean on an intellectual level but rather from an intuitive emotional level) will automatically leave me enough space to withdraw mentally if I need it, however restricted the spacial or physical circumstances may be. As soon as I feel there is mutual understanding, I trust and feel free and at ease with this person.
It was a completely new experience for me to discover that I do not necessarily find this quality primarily in people I have known for a long time, but that if I look in the right places, look the right way, I might find it in others as well. People I have just met may carry this quality. So the secret seems to be in looking, in searching and in letting it happen. It doesn't help if I withdraw myself from the world, protecting myself from people. I shouldn't look so much on what I want to avoid but on what I want to find. That's what I'm doing right now, open myself, for potential friends, for companions on my way through this life. They may be old and they may be new. Discovered or rediscovered, I think I'll have to develope a whole new way of looking at people and while some relationships may surprise me in a positive way, others may not stand the test. Sometimes I'll hurt, sometimes I'll be scared, sometimes I'll shine with happiness and every now and then I'll still be hazed by doubt, but all the time ... I have a feeling that it's worthwhile, a feeling of contentment and gratitude, that this may be my path ...
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