Autumn

I can hardly believe it, but it's already autumn again. We switched the clocks to winter time, finally admitting to the shorter, darker days. And as much as the autumn is a time of acknowledgement and gratitude, a time of 'Thanksgiving' in so many aspects, feeling grateful for all the different harvests - literal or symbolic – that we may have brought in over the year, it's also a time to gather ourselves and strengthen our spirits in preparation for the passage into Winter ...

Yes, yes and yes - all of you sending me text messages, e-mails, talking on my answering machine or whatever other way you chose in trying to contact me, I know it was in vain. And again yes, you are right ... I am a slightly faithless friend these days. I am sorry. I really am. It's not like I don't think of you all, I do, quite often to be honest. I just never seem to get down to show a sign of life - but I assure you, I am still here! Very much so. Please don't be angry, don't be cross, I feel I just need a little time-out right now. Some of you know this already, I need my times of retreat from everything I normally do and everybody I normally see, it's not personal in any way and I don't mean to offend anybody by not returning your calls or not answering your messages.

If I say I need to retreat from everything, maybe I'm giving a wrong impression. It's not a retreat from everyday life (as much as I'd like that). Not like the meditation retreats I take. It's rather an attempt to take 'one thing at a time', focusing on certain aspects of my life only, trying to get a few things done properly instead of halfheartedly leaving a lot unfinished. I spend a lot of time at the buddhist center, meditating, studying, learning, taking in a whole lot of new knowledge and impetus, absorbing it and reflecting on it when I'm not there. I decided to give it more time, spend more time at the center as well, because I realized that just going there every now and then, practicing only when I find the time, didn't prove to be very successful. So for the moment I put it in the center of my life and arrange everything else around it until I feel more 'grounded', rooted in what I hopefully learn to understand more deeply and finally may become able to make a genuine part of my life.

Meanwhile, life is going on as usual, faster than I want maybe. But that's the way it is, it just happens and I flow with it.

So what's new? ... Well, the roof problem is getting into crunch mode, about to be solved I hope, as I really couldn't avoid it any longer. In the end, it got more expensive than I hoped (but probably still cheaper than it might have become). I don't know about these things, I never owned more than 2.000 Euros and everything above 5.000 Euros certainly seems a fortune to me. The roof will cost twice that amount, leaving me speechless and kind of paralyzed. I think I've told you that the bank refused to give me the money and that I really didn't know how to advance after that. After a lot of talking to my relatives, an uncle agreed to lend me the money if I assign the house for security. I did – but happy as I am to get the roof repaired now, I'm also quite worried about how I will ever pay him back. It's so much money. We didn't talk about the period of time he'll grant me to repay him or about the exact amount of my monthly installments, so I can just hope he is realistic enough to realize that it will probably take years and years. Anyway, fact is that I'll have a new roof on the house before christmas (I hope). That in mind - and ample relief in my heart - I try not to think about that unpleasant money thing too much. After all, it's only money ...

What else can I tell you. I fell in love. And out of love. And in again. I don't quite know what to make of it myself. It's all very complicated and I don't think I'm through with the subject yet, still trying to find clarity. Can I control whether or not I have my heart broken? I'm not sure. I guess what I'm trying to do is reducing the risk, cutting my losses. Letting my intellect rule over my emotion. Waiting what life has to add ... I guess it will have it's say in this after all. And probably the final one ...

I'm still having a busy time thinking about friendships, relationships of all kinds. Working on some of them, feeling fine with some others, testing here, questioning there. How does this go with not getting back to most of my friends, you might ask. Well, I'm not sure. Maybe it's about reducing risks as well. Or about trying to remain focused, trying not to take too much at a time. The way I tend to scrutinize everything right now, maybe it's better that way, keeping those friendships out that I do not regard to be on the 'doubtful side'. If you find that I make myself very scarce these days, you're probably one of those friends I feel confident with. Confident enough to trust that you'll understand or at least tolerate my momentary retreat from everything. I don't want to imply that I take any of your friendship for granted. Very much the opposite is the case. I am grateful that I have a couple of friends who provide a certain 'constant' in my life and who allow me to fall back on.

Please remain patient and grant me a little more time. I'll be back soon, I promise!