So here I sit and want to write ... and can't because I feel there is just too much to be said. Where to begin ... I'm lost. My mind is so full of things, full of emotions, thoughts, doubts, questions lately ... they swirl around my head like leaves caught in a vortex on the river. I watch them going in circles, round and round ... leading nowhere. All this thinking that is not actually thinking but some helpless pondering is making me dizzy and somewhat uptight. I know something is emerging, something is coming up ... and on some level I know what it is all about ... yet I can't touch it.
Yesterday morning when I woke I felt I needed to talk or I would simply burst, too full of feeling to keep it bottled up much longer. But having been so reluctant to talk for such a long time now, trying to digest all those new thoughts first, the idea of speaking with somebody seemed strange and unfamiliar. I thought of who I might talk to. The problem for me is that a lot of the people close to me are just too close. At least, right now. On the other hand, the thoughts and feelings I need to share are not exactly the kind I'd share with a mere aquaintance, a person I do not trust to understand in some way. I kept thinking. There were people I trusted enough to talk to, people close enough to me but not so close that I'd feel awkward giving away details of people related to me, something I knew I needed to do, once I'd start talking. My mind kept spinning, torn between the need to open up to somebody and the fear of doing so. The desire to just let go of all the pressure and tension and spill it all out grew overpowering and I finally e-mailed a friend, asking if I might talk to him, knowing him to be very much accustomed with the subject I had on my mind. I knew though that he was facing a not so easy time for himself right now and felt hesitant to just "raid on him" with my story. So I asked if he felt able to talk to me, pretty much upfront, and sent the mail on it's way, (only half-) relieved to have made that first move.
I didn't expect him to get back to me instantly and it came as quite a surprise when he did, saying that he was indeed fine with it and I should just give him a call over the day. That caught me flat-footed – however ridiculous it must sound. It was just too much, so all of a sudden. I know it is probably completely stupid ... first wanting to talk and asking for somebody to lend an ear ... then being so unprepared when somebody agrees to do. It just happened so fast, you know? There I was, having build up this confusion inside my mind for weeks on end, making a decision to maybe get rid of some of it by sharing ... but without much of a clue as to what exactly it is I need to share, or say, or spill out ... I really don't, not in any detailed way. The confusion is just too big. So when this friend said he would speak with me, it sent my mind spinning even worse, like a stirred up hornet's nest, thoughts going into all directions at once, leaving me with a feeling as if about to faint ... dizzy, dizzy, dizzy. Upon reading his words I went hot, then cold, feeling sick to the stomach. I imagined giving him a call and starting to talk ... and found I couldn't. I felt helpless, powerless, numb, speechless ... too much emotion, too much confusion. I simply didn't know where to start. I could feel the old fear creeping up ... I had almost forgotten what it felt like. Now it was overly present again. Faceless, fathomless, yet all too present, looming in the shadows of my mind. Tears came up to my eyes. I so wanted to talk. But did I really? I needed to, that much I knew ... but I couldn't. I couldn't. All I could feel in that moment, picturing picking up the receiver and dialing his number, was a desire to turn and run. Finding some dark hole to hide in and become invisible. I almost regretted having asked for help, thinking that maybe I would have preferred for him to just refuse to talk? I felt sorry and silly, being so undecided ... like somebody who had booked a parachute jump in a moment of braveness and upon hearing the aircraft engines start suddenly remembers he suffers from vertigo, hoping for the plane to never take off.
I struggled with myself, but in the end surrendered to the inability to talk. I got back to my friend, trying to explain, apologizing, saying I obviously wasn't yet ready for it, asking for him to please be there one of these days, if it wasn't asked too much.
Now what? Here I sit. Still confused, still numbed by the amount of questions and emotions inside my head. Still not able to single out one clear thought in that tangled mess of emotion. But a first move has been made, I know for myself there is no turning back now, one by one I will have to move forward, however tiny those steps may be. I must sort my thoughts, put them into some kind of order so I'm able to express them ... and hopefully it will all add up once I start talking, becoming clearer and more obvious. I can't fool myself, I know where this must lead. But it's not easy.
