I am sad. I am upset. I feel lost somehow. Torn. Deep down I'm happy. Deep down I'm blue. I feel as if I'm moving in circles, yet if I look closer I can see they are open spirals, leading me only god knows where ... I experience change and I know it's inevitable ... but to let go of what one held so dear, it's never done easily – I do have faith though, don't get me wrong ... nothing happens without reason, there is meaning in everything we go through and while sometimes we hurt so much, time will always tell and help us understand ... it's that thought I cling to when the pain and disappointment seem so overwhelming at times.
Meanwhile I'm trying to find comfort and balance, and reading Rumi always calms me down. Here is something I came across and somehow it seems to express how I feel, representing my thoughts and emotions so well ... and the last bit of this, the part that starts "Don't come near me!" ... well, it's how it must feel to stand on the other side ... how it must feel to be the other person involved in this separation that still seems so senseless and crazy to me ...
Now, here's "Rumi on Separation" for you:
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The Reed Flute's Song
Listen to the story told by the reed,
of being separated.
"Since I was cut from the reedbed,
I have made this crying sound.
Anyone apart from someone he loves
understands what I say.
Anyone pulled from a source
longs to go back.
At any gathering I am there,
mingling in the laughing and grieving,
a friend to each, but few
will hear the secrets hidden
within the notes. No ears for that.
Body flowing out of spirit,
spirit up from the body: no concealing
that mixing. But it's not given us
to see the soul. The reed flute
is fire, not wind. Be that empty."
Hear the love fire tangled
in the reed notes, as bewilderment
melts into wine. The reed is a friend
to all who want the fabric torn
and drawn away. The reed is hurt
and salve combining. Intimacy
and longing for intimacy, one
song. A disasterous surrender
and a fine love, together. The one
who secretly hears this is senseless.
A tongue has one customer, the ear.
A sugarcane flute has such effect
because it was able to make sugar
in the reedbed. The sound it makes
is for everyone. Days full of wanting,
let them go by without worrying
that they do. Stay where you are
inside such a pure, hollow note.
Every thirst gets satisfied except
that of these fish, the mystics,
who swim a vast ocean of grace
still somehow long for it!
No one lives in that without
being nourished everyday.
But if someone doesn't want to hear
the song of the reed flute,
it's best to cut conversation
short, and say good-bye, and leave.
We know separation so well because we've tasted the union. The reed flute makes music because it has already experienced changing mud and rain and light into sugarcane. Longing becomes more poignant if in the distance you can't tell whether your friend is going away or coming back. The pushing away pulls you in.
Don't come near me!
Sometimes I forget completely
what companionship is
unconscious and insane, I spill sad
energy everywhere. My story
gets told in various ways: a romance,
a dirty joke, a war, a vacancy.
Divide up my forgetfulness to any number,
it will go around.
These dark suggestions that I follow,
are they part of some plan?
Friends be careful. Don't come near me
out of curiosity, or sympathy.
(Rumi)
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