... so it's one of those days that has me sitting pondering ... my diverse health problems, money problems, family and relationship problems, they bring up so many questions, so much emotion ... thought that is thought yet no thought, it comes without analysis, without attempt ... considerations, meditations ... whatever I call them, the questions remain:
Just why is it that one day we can be happy in the moment, joyful and content while the next day the same facts, the same situation – completely unaltered, unchanged – has us all sorrowful, quarreling with the very facts that couldn't disturb us the day before? It doesn't make sense, does it?
What is the process that leads from acceptance back to resistance? Is it chemistry, hormones? Is it something we can control? Or is it beyond our will-power? Can thought bring us any closer to the root of it? Or is thought the very evil that leads us there? As the I Ching says: "thinking only makes the heart sore."
How can it be that one day I feel so strong and equanimous, serenely dealing with everything there is ... and the next morning I wake with a lump in my belly, caused by too many swallowed tears, swallowed disappointments, swallowed pain ... my chest heavy with a hurt that I found so easy to deal with just yesterday ... not today though ... and yet none of the facts seem to have changed ...
If the change is not to be found on the outside, it must surely be sought for on the inside – looking at my perception of those facts. But if the change is there even before I'm quite awake, before there has been any time for thought, creating sorrow, where does the change in my perception come from? What's happening to our psyche from one day to the next, from one moment to another?
Those swallowed tears, turned into stone, how does one turn them back into water, making them flow again, healing and easing the heart? When the rock in the chest starts dragging one down, making it hard to walk upright and look ahead ... when the heart feels like bursting with countless salty clumps which years and years of unbeweept pain have stored there, more than one heart should ever have to hold ... when one feels as if that rock starts turning into a mountain range, a mountain range of ache and anguish, chagrin and disenchantment, how does one remove that weight?
The weight of sorrow seems equal to the weight of the world at times, impossible to carry ... and yet we all do, we all have to ... we try and keep trying ... and we all fail, again and again ... tossing and turning, trying this way and that. But we walk on and on, don't we? Some manage to still walk upright, others bent. Some break and crack under the pressure. We all struggle, we all fight. If surrender is the answer, how do we get there without a feeling of defeat? What does it take to do so with complete acceptance? Why is acceptance so fugitive, so elusive?
Would all sorrow end if we could just stop anticipating? If we didn't expect anything at all, just lived – and dreamt – without expectations, unconditionally ... would we be free from hurt then? Could we enjoy our dreams simply for the joy and hope they convey? But ... is there hope without expectation? Is it possible to hope in a more open-minded way, not focused on just one certain result? Living our lives the way we might read a book – focused but open for whatever is going to happen? And if it is possible, does there necessarily have to be pain where there is hope? What is the opposite of hope? Abandoning? Resignation? Can there be faith where there is no hope? Can there be hope where there is no faith?
Can our dreams and desires become too big for us? Or is it ourselves being not big enough for our desires and dreams? Not complete enough maybe, not whole enough?
What causes us to hurt when we hurt? Disappointed expectations? Fear of loss? And what is it we fear to lose – ourselves? And what exactly does that mean ... losing ourselves? Maybe it's true we have to lose ourselves first in order to finally find ourselves. Our "real" selfs ... for how can we lose what we've never had ... how can we understand what we've never known? Do we really know who we are, somewhere beyond the images of ourselves?
How many of us are completely content with themselves, without looking upon another for recognition or acknowledgment? For most of us it is difficult to see ourselves at all if not perceived through the eyes of another ... our well-being depending to a large degree on that outside perception of ourselves being in harmony with our own perception of who we think we are. Of how we want or even need to be seen. If we do not get the attention we think we deserve, if the outside image is not in accordance with our own images of ourselves, that causes conflict – we often find that hard to accept. We think we need that recognition ... I think we need it because we are not whole – it's a feeling of incompleteness that causes need.
Need ... more conflict, more pain. When what we think is a need can not be satisfied, we find that hard to deal with. But what is that need? What is need in general, somewhere beyond the elementary needs, like food or shelter or basic clothing or the necessities of everyday life? Is not every need that goes beyond that just a desperate attempt to fill the emptiness inside us? If we were completely content with who we are or what we are, comfortable with and by ourselves ... would we really need all that we tend to think we need, trying to stuff the emptiness inside us with all kind of things? Relationships are used for that as much as drugs or shopping or food or fun-seeking of any kind.
We do not feel complete the way we are, we seek completion and fulfilment on the outside instead of within ... but it's a very vulnerable, a very evanescent kind of "completeness", only ever temporary ... as soon as the outside component falls away, when a partner leaves us, when we lose what we cling to – property, relationships, whatever – we are left feeling empty and incomplete again ... hurt, pain, sorrow ... they just wait for us to come running back into their arms – arms that do not bring any comfort – it's an evil circle.
Knowing the answers in the abstract still doesn't bring me any closer to permanently integrating them with 'what is', with reality ... it's not like I understood with my head only ... I can feel the truth of having to look inside myself, I understand it somewhere beyond intellect, beyond reason or rationality, with my heart and soul and every cell of my body at times ... I can see it lying there, that one answer to all these questions ... so close, so seemingly easy to reach ... and yet as if secured behind a wall of armoured glass ... just a few inches away, still impossible to grasp ... somewhat inaccessible.
All I can do, again and again, is fall back onto faith and the belief that the answers will expose themselves once I am ready for them. Until then ... there is nothing to do but live ... and maybe stop trying so hard ...
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